#is my art becoming lazier and lazier with time

[oken-art]

happy summer 2024✌

[the-mirage-forest]

Wielder lineup part 1! I apparently never posted this so woops, sorted by age order (Not physical age, literal age)

Clip art & basic lore below the cut because I know this is far too wide and not tumblr friendly, more detailed lore is linked in my intro post

SCURO SELWYN WELLS

The first Mirage Wielder and the Wielder of Darkness, Scuro is the only wielder to be directly blood related to Saturn, as Saturn became lonely after the Starborn moved out and created a child (clone) of himself so as to not be so lonely. You wouldn't really guess this, as many millennia ago, Scuro struck a deal with the Blue Xiilune and traded their position as the Wielder of Magic, damaging the zotura (An artifact that turns normal people into Wielders) for magic but also turning them into a strange gooey mass with no memories of their former self. They're very childish and cheerful otherwise.

SHI & DEATH WELLS

The 2nd eldest Wielder and the only one to hail from Earth, Shi is unique because his Zotura can actually think and speak in mortal terms, but is kind of a sassy, very-literal tool. As the Wielder of Death, him and his Zotura bicker very often on how to treat the subject, having never quite reached an agreement.

Shi himself is very older-brother-esque, placing a high priority on his family, responsible, mature, if a bit stuck-up, stubborn, judgemental, and "I'm too old to be engaging in KIDDY stuff, that's cringe." (He is very cringe)

JINI WELLS

You can expect the Wielder of The Undead to be a bit strange, and you would be vastly underestimating Jini. She was originally a poor child working on a factory, where she stumbled upon the Undead Zotura via it getting stuck in a machine, and its power causing it to explode the entire factory. The Zotura would haphazardly put Jini back together, but she was never quite the same after her wielder-ification, being a bit quiet, creepy, kooky, and "no thoughts, head empty." Rest assured though, Jini can still be a good sibling, if a bit morbid at times.

AMANZI WELLS

A bit concerning that this is the 3rd wielder in a row who's undead, but Amanzi serves as a grim reminder of how cruel the ocean can be. He was once part of a sea-monster hunting ship, but his entire crew was attacked and eaten by said sea monsters. Bitter, he became a poltergeist, one that lost itself to the violence and didn't come back until the Water Zotura found its way into the sea. After becoming a Wielder, Amanzi chilled out, becoming calmer, lazier, and friendly. If he's near the species of monster that ate him however, he becomes skittish, violent, and flighty. If it gets worse, there's a good chance he might revert to his poltergeist form.

FLACARA WELLS

Flacara was obsessed with the Fire Zotura the moment she heard about it, researching and pouring over it for hours, convinced that it was just for her and that its power was far better than what her family could offer. One night, her obsession grew so great and her isolation so bad that she blew up on her family, running off to find the Zotura. She did find it, and it chose her, but she soon began to regret how she treated her family, especially after finding out being a Mirage Wielder was more familial than told.

She's extremely lonely, bitter about her own isolation and takes it out on her siblings, making them stay away from her more. Flacara deeply wants friends and to mend her relationships with her siblings, but finds herself too anxious & ashamed to try communicating. Recently, she's become very taken to the internet, making online friends who are equally as socially inept as her, and Flacara's personally trying to convince herself that the internet is all she needs for friends.

SHIMBER WELLS

Before Shimber became the Wielder of Wind, he was bullied immensely for his like of a certain fantasy boardgame (But The Mirage's version of it), and no one at school was willing to play with the Childish Annoying Kid. One day, a group of older classmates decide to trick Shimber into jumping down a hole, with the promise that they would play with him if he did it. They, of course, abandoned him the moment Shimber got stuck, leaving a poor child lost, injured, stuck, and alone. But as fate would have it, a strange, four-legged figure would happen upon Shimber all alone, and tossed a strange object down the pit.

Shimber is the embodiment of a middle child, he's constantly forgotten about, people find him annoying, a bit too loud and high-energy, and he still can't get many of his siblings to play with him. He seems attached to Flacara though, and she seems to tolerate him, oddly enough.

[nerves-nebula]

“What about this one?” Leo asked.

“I think they all look nice.” Donnie repeated.

“That’s why I’m here. I can be objective.”Mikey said, shoving Donnie lightly, “Leo, that dress is obnoxiously yellow. It could look so much better if you let me-”

“I’m not letting you turn any more of my clothes into art projects, Mikey!” Leo snapped. Mikey rolled their eyes exaggeratedly, and Leo turned to Raph, “What do you think?”

“They all look fine.” Raph supplied, tiredly.

“You guys are no help!” Leo groaned, pulling off her shiny, yellow dress. She began rummaging through the pile of clothes she’d laid out.

“Can we leave then.” Raph yawned. Leo glared, and he only leaned back in his seat. It had been a while since Leo had lashed out at anyone besides Donnie; he wasn’t worried.

Predictably, he huffed and returned to picking out another outfit.

Leo had accumulated a small collection of more feminine clothes by this point. Some through scavenging, others bought, and a few even made by Mikey. She’d taken to wearing them around the house but this was the first time she was going to wear something feminine outside.

And Raph was trying to be supportive, he really was. But Leo had woke them all up so damn early, and dragged them over to help him pick out a dress.

He squirmed into a new dress, bright pink, and discolored from fixes and alterations. Raph could clearly see it was something Mikey had made. It looked like something a ballerina might wear. If they had no other options, maybe.

Leo sniffed down a little at it, seeming to share the sentiment, now that it was on him.

“I- it’s a bit patchy, isn’t it?” Donnie criticized, squinting at the mess of a dress.

“Admittedly, not my best work.” Mikey shrugged, “Why’d you even put it on?”

“Well… I thought it kind of looks like the first dress I ever found back Ho- when we were living with dad.” Leo reasoned, more subdue, looking like she was remembering something.

Mikey bounced in their seat, taking the reminder of the sewer in stride. “Oh yeah! I remember that. It was so poofy. You wore that for ages until Splinter saw it.”

Donnie nodded, “I think you found it when we were all playing. I remember you were really sad when dad made you take it off.”

Raph didn’t remember that.

It was nothing new, it shouldn’t have bothered him so much.

But the thing is, he tried.

He tried so hard to remember, but it was just blank. Nothing came to mind. It made Raph feel a little insane. They were all talking about something he knew he must have been there for, so why couldn’t he-

“Yeah, I’m not wearing this outside.” Leo scoffed, beginning to wrestle the article off.

She handled the dress fondly, though, as he discarded it. It was such a strange thing to see from Leo.

And that’s just it. They were all doing so much better now, living in the hidden city.

Mikey was so much happier, more easygoing. Donnie was becoming more confident and happy for all Leo didn’t help that most days. But Leo was trying. He was making an effort to be more open, more calm. She was communicating.

Raph, on the other hand… he supposed he hadn’t had to do as many chores. His siblings were thriving, but he was the same as he’d always been, if lazier.

Donnie had been having more good days than bad, but Raph’s memory was as poked full of holes as it always was.

Mikey had become almost always present, but Raph found himself just as prone to loosing time.

Maybe it had nothing to do with how things used to be. Maybe he was just broken, and their old living situation played no part in that. His dumb brain didn’t work the way it was supposed to and there was no fixing-

Raph was snapped out of his thoughts, as Donnie pulled at his arm. “Are you… alright? You seemed distracted.” His brother asked, fretfully.

“You need the sunhat, or it won’t work!” Mikey pushed, as they tried to shove a floppy hat onto Leo’s head.

“Mikey, It’s fine!” He screeched, flailing.

“And it could be perfect!”

“I don’t need it, there’s no sun down here!” Leo lunged, trying to pull her mask off from where Mikey had tied it around the straw hat. They yanked it away, giggling as they switched to keeping the hat out of Leo grasp.

Leo laughed with a carefree smile, as she play fought with Mikey. It wasn’t something Raph thought he’d ever see.

With a small smile of his own creeping across his face, he nodded down to Donnie, who relaxed, relieved, hands still gently grasping his arm, as he too turned to their siblings.

Despite everything, Raph’s concerns fell away in the face of his brothers’ happiness.

He felt like he’d remember this.

SHUT UPPP THATS SO SWEET OH MY GODDDDD!!! FUCKIMG ADORABLEEEEEE ASASUGHFH

[irimori]

sorry for another ai related question but I hope you read and hear me out:

that’s awesome to see you can draw and your skills really show! You just use ai as reference, which I somewhat understand where you are coming from, getting reference can be hard especially if you have a specific pose in mind! references in no way make you lazier or bad, but using ai generative art is feeding a system that “steals” (I put quotes bc ik it’s more complicated than that) from artists, that AI then trains itself every time it is used. you’re supporting programs that main purpose is to take the human out of art. I know AI in of itself isn’t inherently bad, it’s used plentifully in different industries even the art world like animation (klaus and spiderverse). But generative ai is just so harmful, there’s so many other resources where you can make or find references, like for example, something you could’ve used in your recent ghostface post instead of AI could’ve been an application (ex: magic poser, posemy.art, blender) where you can rig 3d models into whatever pose and angle you like!

I get where you are coming from, generative AI is super interesting and I can’t help those who want to play with it, but I don’t think you guys realize how destructive using these programs are to the very community you’re apart of. Nobody can stop you from doing what you want of course I hope I was able to give you a different perspective and hope you don’t see this as another “nagging anti ai hater” but as someone who just wants to help a fellow artist out!

I totally get where you're coming from—I've had over 10 years of my online portfolios scraped and included in some of these AI systems, so I understand the concerns. But it's important to differentiate between using AI as a tool for inspiration or reference and outright copying someone else's work.

When I use AI, it’s in a very limited way, and the end result doesn’t closely resemble any specific artist’s work to the point where it could be considered copyright infringement. The AI helps me explore creative possibilities, but the final piece is still very much my own vision. You would be hard pressed to get an AI to raw output slasher simp art.

I used to be strongly anti-AI too, mostly because I hadn't taken the time to understand it fully. But after learning into how it works my perspective changed. I’m not blindly pro-AI now, but I do see the potential benefits when used responsibly. I think it’s important to be "Anti-AI in specific contexts" rather than dismissing it entirely. It’s a nuanced issue, and my views might evolve as the technology and its implications become clearer, but based on what I’ve learned so far, I feel comfortable with how I’m currently using it.

[catboybrain]

studying tips

ok so i keep seeing posts saying do a shit ton of work but let's be real, you're an engineering major and you have 5 classes and a lab, you don't have time to read through every little thing before an exam.

the main idea is studying is not confined to a specific time period, like before an exam. to properly study, you passively do it when you work on things for the class! the bulk of the studying i do is NOT in the week before the exam, it's in the downtime i have between exams. i also normally don't call it studying, to me it's just work on a subject. the fun thing about this method is it means you get to generally be lazier over a longer period (my executive dysfunction is very happy @ that) since the work is spread out but more thorough!

your goal should be to fully understand and apply the concepts! to do this most efficiently and seamlessly, you want to master them (or at least be able to wield them) as they come up in lecture. doing problem sets is studying. doing prereading for lectures to give yourself an initial footing on a topic, if that helps you, is studying! if you're trying to put the scaffolding in place some set time before a test, you're eventually going to get into a situation where you can't put it up, and then you're going to be in trouble.

here are some things i do to "study"/ master topics as they come up in class.

go to class. this seems silly but yk I should put it in here. if you need to skip, try and skip on a day where you think you already know what's going on (and it's ok to skip if you need to! just don't let it stop you from mastering the concepts)

do the assigned homework. if a class assigns work but it's not due, do the FUCK outta that work. my basic rule is do 75% of the work that's assigned (100% of work due obvs) if you already feel like you have a type of problem down. but don't stop doing problems until you feel like you completely understand how to do the problem!

rubber duck debug your own learning. talk to people, explain how to do a problem. if you don't know why you're doing a step, you probably don't have a strong enough understanding of the concept yet! talking out loud will help you see much easier.

ask for help. sometimes textbooks legitimately suck. sometimes professors suck! if you're struggling to understand a topic, seek out a bunch of different sources of explanation. normally it just takes one good perspective to click, but it's hard to find that perspective sometimes.

when a test is coming up, be realistic with yourself. oftentimes in this period there will be topics where i'm like "oh, i don't have a great success rate for these problems." that'll be what's important to review. don't spend your time studying for everything if you already know most of it.

if you're right before a test and you haven't been doing the above, pray. no, i'm just kidding. there's a concept in the pikmin games called dandori, the art of organizing your time. become a dandori master. think about which topics (and or ask around! always feel free to ask a prof what will be on the exam, i find they always give you at least some useful information if you're not like "uhhh what problems are on the test" LOL) are most important, and prioritize learning those. cover as much ground as you can, instead of just starting at the beginning.

this one might be controversial but. study to learn, not for the grade. if you're in college, this information will directly help you in your field. obviously if you're in a GE or something this doesn't apply as much but if your only motivation is an A, you aren't going to go as far. if you can nurture your inner curiousity and connect with the content you're learning, it'll be way more fun and it won't seem as much like a slog <3

ok that's all i got. knock 'em dead, kid. and always remember: C's get degrees <3

[ellerevelle]

hello again

Its been an eternity. I had to login with my yahoo email. My YAHOO. email. 

I’ve been sitting in the same position, at my computer, slouched over watching netflix for hours now. Not accomplishing a damn thing except panic. I’ve been enjoying the program I’m watching but continually keep checking my phone. As one does. 

I check Instagram to look for that little red message notification indicating a new DM. Its not obsessive, but I do feel relieved to see someone is there. I’ve been alone in my room, day in day out, for what feels like months now. I go to work, I go out dancing occasionally, but all in all, I’m lazing in my bedroom. Its basically my studio apartment, despite living in a 4 bedroom rented house. 

I’m here to journal. Because my life needs an entire overhaul. I really wonder whats wrong with me. Today I examined a LinkedIn job listing for, upon reading the details, is like- THE job. THE DREAM JOB. And I have no qualifications. 

If I had even remotely TRIED. AT ALL. the last, oh I dont know, TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE to do anything actually photography work related, I’d be maybe closer to qualified. But despite talking like I’m an artist, despite going to goddamn art school, despite telling myself or others I meet “yea I’m a photographer,” ... it has to be what you DO. As a VERB. And my cameras literally, absolutely, are coated in dust. I havent handled them in over a year. Probably more. 

What is wrong with me. I read the job description, I even took a screenshot of the listing for when it goes down, because I want to dream about it. Study it. But it says at the top of the list “at least 5 years of experience.” My last five years? have been bullshit. I’ve just gotten fatter and lazier and probably less mentally healthy. I mean, I’m barfing my thoughts on Tumblr again, I’m probably not okay. I’m here feeling like I’ve squandered my fucking years, that my life needs a genuine total overhaul. I am not mentally healthy. 

Why. Am. I. Afraid. To. Move.

Not move away, but literally MOVE. Work out, create, explore my city, meet people, even pick up a new book. I’m afraid to move. 

I need to clean my car. Its gotten out of hand. She doesnt deserve it. I feel like everything I SING about loving, I’ve stopped living up to. I talk about going on road trips ALL THE TIME. I feel like by letting my car fall into terrible disarray, I’m betraying myself. If I were to try to take a road trip, I’d have to do so much work. SO much work. Its so cluttered, the trunk is full of old clothes and weird concert souvenirs and random tupperware and literal trash. I need to vacuum it, I need to dust it, I need to clean the glass. I need to empty the entire thing out. I am afraid to do the work. I am unmotivated to do the work. 

Want to know what I’m thinking about why:

I want someone to care. 

I feel like I dont exist anymore. Like... no ones asking my any questions, no ones noticing me out there doing anything, I dont feel witnessed, I dont matter. So its really difficult to find motivation to do something that no one cares about. Which I dont mean to sound like the cliche “if you cant instagram it, did it really happen?” “if the tree falls in the woods but no one was there to see it, did it make a sound?” 

Its a vicious cycle, I observe, because in not doing the thing I think no one sees or cares about, the thing I CARE ABOUT definitely never happens and, therefore, doesnt exist to be cared about or seen at all. 

If I threw a party and nobody showed up, and quit throwing parties, then NO ONE would show up. Wayne Gretski “You miss 100% of the shots you dont take” la la la blah yes I know. 

Its so fucking scary. I feel so goddamn freaked out. I feel so obvious. Everyone wants to be loved and noticed, obviously. I’m in part afraid of no one caring, but also I’ve become so egotistical in a way- that if I AM seen, I want to be seen right. I want the right people around me. 

I’ve been dissappinted about people I’ve met or who has noticed me in this town. Again, ego, but like... I dont get hit on here. And those who DO, are AWFUL. I drive home after a night out and think - THAT guy? thought he had it to ask me for my number?

Not to sound cruel. But I’m talking like, total like... icky dudes. Or just blah dudes. 

I sparkle, and I want to share it with somebody ... whats a better way to say “with somebody who matters”? Because that sounds horrible. I dont see myself as some queen diva champion, but I just... have a lot and have lived a very interesting life, and I feel like its just kindof. Stopped. 

I hear some voices say that inspiration is bullshit. waiting for inspiration is an excuse. but like. 

what... how... HOW? How to just go and do things anyway when theres SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN DISSAPOINT YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN DRAIN YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN HURT YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN LEAD YOU ASTRAY. 

So in lieu of this fear, I’ve done nothing. I miss feeling fearless. 

I’ve felt happiness lately going to kpop shows. When the artist looks at me. Not a sexy look or even a real look, but I still feel seen. Your eyeballs, You this Artist I care about, has seen my face. Has felt my presence in the crowd. And I like to delusionaly think that matters. I know in a woo woo way, everyones energy matters, but I’m in my head really BELIEVING that my presence is special. So when I go out, or try to meet new people, and just get met with duds or nothing at all - I feel like it was a waste. Or, worse, that I’m the joke. And that I’m crazy for thinking I’m special at all. 

So. I need to clean my car. I need to get in shape. I need to dust off my cameras. I need to USE them. I need to play piano. I need to shred my magazines and make collage art again. I need to go out into nature and get attuned to the sunset and stars again. I need to even like, update my goddamn facebook page, and instagram and delete emails and FIX MY FUCKING LINKEDIN PROFILE BUT I’M SCARED. and lazy. And I want to have somebody to impress, but NOBODY. CARES. So why bother? But I genuinely feel like I’m disappearing! talking in circles. 

By not doing things for myself out of fear, I’m essentially proving the world right. By not existing, I dont exist. 

Why am I so scared? I mean, theres the Mom card. I’ve been aching to call her more than usual lately. This year I’ve felt the physical, tangible craving to call her. She died in 20...15? 2015. August of 2015. 

And I never knew what being loved like that felt like until it was gone. She knew me, she saw everything. And she thought I was the most special, just for existing. She had 5+ miscarriages after having my older brother. She didnt think she was gonna have another baby. Let alone a little girl. Then she got the call, that the pregnancy stuck, that I was gonna be her daughter. The doctors literally SEWED HER CERVIX SHUT to keep me up there long enough. I was still born a month early, but I was her treasure. She wanted me SO BADLY. 

I still dont know if her death was an accident or intentional, and I’m afraid to ask. I dont even know if my father would tell me the truth, he may need to believe it was an accident. But she was deeply depressed and addicted to hydrocodone, and she was found dead on our living room floor, all alone, on the day of her’s and my father’s 35th wedding anniversary. He was in the hospital at the time, he’d broken his shin bone weeks prior and has bad bones so he was in a rehab place. She was home alone, encouraged by him to just stay in and enjoy the house, and that they’d celebrate their anniversary another weekend. He sent her a bouquet of roses that she’d never see. They sat on our doorstep while she laid inside on the floor. It was devestating. Well, duh, thats an understatement. 

When I was going to therapy (I stopped over COVID and havent gone back) my therapist asked me “would it make anything different for you, if you knew?” and at first I answered No. But even the next day I was honest with myself and truly, it would make a huge fucking difference. Knowing if it was a mistake, too much wine, took an extra hydrocodone, got woozy and passed out, maybe hit her head, or maybe a heart thing. That would change everything, if she didnt WANT to leave us. If it was just a fluke. That’d make a very big difference. 

I’ve gotten over a lot since then and the layers of growth and wisdom I’ve developed is indescribable. I’m deeply proud of myself and who I am inside. But thats what makes me angry and sad right now. Why have I become such a blob? Surely I miss her love, even though it was so broken the last five years of her life with her severe depression. I forgive that, and I think she’d forgive me for being too young to understand and fight harder for her. Our hometown doesnt have shit in the way of Mental Health services. She needed worlds more help, and I couldve fought harder for her. Alas, I think she would be upset with me for thinking this way. She’d express “we’re the parents, its not on you to parent your own parents.” 

Anyways. I feel like my Father is loving me how he knows how. He’s great for sweet support, but not great with life advice. He’s the least ambitious man I know since he retired. He HATED work, but suffered and sacrificed infinitely for us anyway to keep our lives afloat, and for that I’ll be forever grateful. But since he got to leave work and came into family money, he doesnt do much unless he HAS to. He’s a music man, but hasnt played guitar or written songs or done anything creative in decades. He let it burn out. I respect him, I love him for him and try not to be disappointed about his choices but... its just difficult to express my feelings to him about these things. He’s like “Josie, dont worry I have money, you’ll never be in trouble.” And I just... I believe him but I dont believe him? I dont want to buckle into that. I feel like I need to earn that privelege. I cant just ask, I’m not a trust fund kid. Cant just be like DADDY I WANT TO GO TO MIAMI CAN I HAVE TEN GRAND? Like, no! First of all He’d never say yes to that hahaha. I’ve definitely lied (*white lied) to my family to sound more put together and “worthy” than I actually probably am. I talk about my job like its a bigger deal than it is, when in reality I’m only making $15 an hour and I’m late every single day. 

Fuck, speaking of. I was supposed to take a shower about 6 hours ago, but its 11:30pm and I have to go to bed and still havent gotten clean. Its been too many days. I’m gross. 

See!? my life needs a fucking overhaul. WHY AM I STRUGGLING TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER. 

I am broken dude. wtf. 

I feel more motivated to take care of myself WHEN I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY GIVES A SHIT WHO I AM! Somebody to wash my hair for, dress up for. Even though truth is, I absolutely do it for me. I go out to a concert to be seen, sure, but when I’m getting ready, I LOVE my reflection. I love hanging out with music on and expressing artistry with makeup or clothing styling. I do it because IIIIII like it. And then out in the world, at least if no one else likes it, at least I do?

But it still requires an invitation out. Someone saying “hey come meet us at this bar!” or a great concert I want to see and SHOW UP for. TURN UP for. 

How do I do these things, how do I give a shit about showing up, if theres no invitation? if theres no obvious purpose other than just doing the thing?

I fear by existing out there, youre inviting critique. If i carry a camera around, people will ask to see. And what if I suck!!! What if theyre like “oh my god who the fuck does she think she is, carrying that nice ass big ass camera and her photos are so mediocre.” 

I dont want to be a joke. 

Sometimes I go into massive panic attacks getting dressed to go out because I feel like, too old and fat or the wrong genre to pull anything off and if I go out like... it’ll be the “who does she think she is.” 

fuck. 

fuck fuck fuck. I need to wash my face. I need to brush my teeth. 

I need to get a FUCKING LIFE. 

I want that Hybe America job. Content Preditor, they mushed together the words pre- and editor to make PREDITOR. How sexy could that be! 

The job description describes who I wish I was. Prepared, experienced, creative, multitasking, able to improvise, team leader, good with new people, passionate about the music industry. 

I havent taken any vitamins today. the EASIEST thing to do. because I hate walking into the kitchen to get water. 

Thats a WHOLE OTHER CAN OF WORMS. my living situation. this post is already too long. I’ve already procrastinated showering for far too long. I’ve already watched... lets see... NINE episodes, 40 minutes each. 

I need help. Talk more tomorrow. Or, yknow, six more years or however long the previous gap between my posts have been. 

[rainbowgod666]

You know what? I kind of HAVE to expand on this.

I *literally* never thought I could even REMOTELY get to 18 and enjoy it. Now im 19and5months and am going to finish school. I dont care i realized i should've taken art and not psychology (or Human Sciences as we call em here) 5 years too late. Fuck that shit i can be the empath tiktokers think they are

Speaking of school- its VERY FUNNY how so many world events are conjoined to my life events. I started 1st Superior being like "time to Grow tf up then! My mama and papa are right, theres a life outside of my brain and-" WAKEY WAKEY ITS XI JIN PENIS AND HE JUST PULLED OUT OF HIS ASS THE FUNNY LETHAL INFLUENZA HAHAHAJAHAHAJAJAJAJA ENJOY NOT HAVING SOCIAL SKILLS YOU DUMB BIETCHƏ

Life. Just life.

The fuckign song that goes "soon ill be 60 years old" soon my fucking ass immortality will be a thing by the time i get to 50 (supposing it becomes ILLEGAL in america to have any political seat, no matter how local or global, after the age of 50).

The feeling that everyone around you is SO. Fucking incompetent at existing. Like ffs im lazier tmthan sans undertale and weigh like an indian elephant and have no idea what things are yet i know EXACTLY when and how is someone else wrong. Yes its annoying being Worse Cimmerian, thankyouverymuch

G i f t e d K i d B u r n o u t ~

The fact that i genuinely feel better hugging THIS thing

Yeah i canonically own a blahaj.

Anyways.

The problem of society is that everything is extremely fucking fast. That one MatPat video was correct, but its not just youtube.

Its everything

And i will fucking tear to shreds reality itself, heaven and hell, time and space- if i get caught in the fucking squidward destroyer of capitalism.

Its MY rat race. And heavens willing, i WILL have a say in what i get at the end of the lap, and WHEN i get it. Its MY cheese, My rules.

Pirate games, donate to transgender folks who have been kicked out. Read SCP. Vouch for the removal of JKR from everything ever and also a rewrite of HP. Learn how to hack the pentagon, best case scenario you become the new @nyancrimew. Travel the world. If you see a gang of any kind keep a fully loaded machine gun chambered in .50 BMG. Donate blood. Divert all funds from autism speaks (and PLEASE change the shade of blue- i excuse the puzzle piece, as it can be given new meaning. BUT NOT THE DESATURATED ASS DIEP.IO ASS MUFUKIN BLUE BLUES OF FUCKING INSIDE OUT'S SADNESS ASS. FUCK THAT LAME SHIT.) into better ORGs. Vote pro-trans representatives. Visit my country of italy (ignore the screaming youtubers and the multiversal diharrea of memes and hentai). Study for that dream job you've always wanted. Make a youtube channel and say fuck you to the algorythm. Grab old electronics from anywhere you can, salvage them, and megalovania the balls out of technology. Call out anyone that uses the name of God to excuse anything bad and fucking stomp on their skulls like its the last episode of TOH season 2. And to Ouroboros this shit- pirate anything from your childhood.

If you cant get off the chains, use them to choke your oppressors to death.

You know what people don’t talk about often enough? Playing catch up in life after spending your teens or early 20s suicidally depressed. There’s so many more layers than just being able to say “I don’t want to die anymore.”

The difficulty in academia or a career after spending years thinking you wouldn’t be alive long enough for any of it to matter.

The exhaustion that comes from self awareness and self soothing, with the constant voice in your head saying “don’t go backwards.”

How lonely it is to watch the people your age starting families when you’re just barely learning what stable relationships are, and the sudden societal pressure of being “up against a clock” for these kinds of things.

The judgement from others if you change your image or interests this late in the game just because you finally figured out who you really are under the demons.

Be kind to those who are developing and blooming after years of not planning on being here long. We are living a life we absolutely didn’t think we’d have, and it’s hard enough without society reminding us there’s expectations of our age.

We didn’t get to be young; we were too busy fighting battles few know.

-

[trashyocstash]

chapter 4 of the phantom blot x lily fic, this one is short but i promise chapter 5 will be longer. this is just setting it up.

chapter 1 chapter 2 chapter 3

Mouseton Prison was on an island off the coast of the city, placed there with the intention to make escape harder.

But when has something like that ever stopped Phantom Blot?

He always found a way out.

Alone in his prison cell, he was currently sitting on his bed, plotting his escape.

Phantom Blot had been spending his days in the prison, observing for ways he could escape: signs of weakness or corruption. He had been mostly quiet, only speaking when he had to and staying away from other prisoners. Nobody tried to approach him anyway, his reputation helped him; most of the other prisoners feared him too much and the sight of a quiet Phantom Blot keeping his distance from others was enough to signal to them to stay away.

In addition to thinking of his escape plans, his mind had wandered to his plans to eventually take over Mouseton and the world. The robots, mech and ink-like substance were all safely hidden away in his brick hideout, but there were still other things he needed to do and think of, most importantly: how to deal with Mickey. Currently, Phantom Blot was still brainstorming different ideas, but hadn't settled on one yet.

His thoughts wandered to Lily, he wanted to see her again. Phantom Blot had enjoyed their time together when he'd kidnapped her, and their conversations on the phone. She shared his passion for art, and it made him wonder if she could be a kindred spirit. He appreciated how kind she was too, especially her concern for him despite everything he'd done.

Perhaps, if everything worked out with her, Lily could become his queen.

Until then, he needed to escape.

Despite the cold, callous front, Blot found himself stressed. There was a book he'd been reading next to him, and he clutched onto it tightly in his frustrations. He always felt that anger, that stress when in prison, he valued his freedom too much to get any sliver of enjoyment there. He hated being told what to do and where to go, not to mention the lack of privacy. At least he wouldn't be there long.

Phantom Blot had been observing the guards, taking notice of their habits and patterns. A few specific guards were lazier than the rest, and seemed to fall asleep on the job a bit too frequently. With the right timing, those guards could help him escape, he just needed to wait and have patience.

—--------

Lily headed into work at Minnie's boutique, which was called “Dots and Daisies”, according to Minnie it was because of her close friendship with Daisy and was a way to connect them despite the distance. Daisy apparently helped with the business here and there too. Lily found it sweet, though at the back of her mind, couldn't help but feel jealous of their friendship.

Minnie smiled when she noticed her, “Hey Lily!”

“Hi Minnie,” Lily greeted back.

“How have you been?” Minnie had been worried for her since she found out about her kidnapping and that her goth friend had turned out to be the Phantom Blot, but she didn't wanna bring those up for fear of upsetting her.

“Good..Horace is at my place finishing the renovations. He's been so busy he's only just today had time to finish them up.”

“Oh I know how Horace gets, he means well in taking on so much but doesn't account for the delays,” Minnie chuckled, “now come on, we've got a busy day ahead of us.”

As the shy type, Lily didn't interact with the customers much, preferring to leave that to Minnie, not that the mouse minded. She was very understanding after all.

A customer walked in, he was a dog with messy brown hair, floppy ears and a prominent snout. As he browsed the clothes, he took notice of Lily and smiled at her. Lily noticed him too and blushed from the smile, she didn't want to assume he was interested in her but she didn't know..

The dog picked up a few clothes and went to purchase them. After he left, Minnie, who had noticed the shared smiles, went over to Lily, “I think he likes you,” She giggled.

Lily blushed again, “Really?”

“I saw that smile, he was definitely interested.”

“In me?” She looked shy at that.

“Don't doubt yourself, look at you,” Minnie put her in front of a mirror, “you're beautiful! It's not a surprise to me that a guy would be interested in you with just one glance.”

Lily still appeared hesitant, making Minnie think, “You need a pick me up. Why don't we go on a shopping trip with Clarabelle and Ortensia? You have a great style, you can certainly find amazing clothes to help you feel as beautiful as you are.”

A smile appeared on Lily's face at that, “The sounds..good..I could definitely use some new clothes too.”

“It's settled then! We'll go tomorrow!” Minnie beamed.

—-----

Night fell, and Lily returned home. When she arrived, Horace walked up to her, “Everything is finished now, you'll love it! Sorry for the wait though..”

He looked embarrassed and ashamed for making her wait, but Lily gave him a reassuring smile and handed him a couple of bucks, “It's alright, I appreciate you doing this for me at all. You deserve to be paid for all of your hard work.”

Horace perked up at her words as he took the money, “You're too kind, you know that?”

“Thank you..”

“By the way..Clarabelle has something she wants to give you, but wouldn't tell me what, must be exciting though I bet,” He then waved goodbye and made his way off her property, “I'll see you then!”

Lily was intrigued by whatever Clarabelle had in mind, what gift did she have for her that she didn't want Horace to know about?

She smiled as she stepped inside and could see the finished renovations. Wandering into the newly made sunroom, the large windows were framed with light wood and the flooring was cream-coloured tiles. There was no furniture yet, but she was already thinking of ideas. She imagined relaxing there once it was furnished, reading a book as she enjoyed the pouring rain outside.

After a day of work, she simply wanted to relax, so turned on the TV. The news was on, and the anchor began to speak in a distressed voice.

“Warning citizens of Mouseton, the Phantom Blot has escaped from Mouseton Prison. His current whereabouts are unknown, but stay vigilant. We can't know for sure what he's planning in that devilish mind of his.”

Lily's mind raced at the news. He was definitely going to kidnap her again, that was for sure. There was a part of her that felt distressed but another part that felt…oddly fine with it. After all, when she was being held captive by him, he surprisingly treated her well, and that kindness seemed sincere.

She still hadn't fully forgiven him for his deception, after all the ways her trust in others had been broken, he only reinforced it, but his apology helped her with her feelings. Lily felt like she could give him another chance, he did sound genuine after all, and if he continued to be kind, she could forgive him. 

As Lily watched the news, she heard her phone ‘ding’ and picked it up. Her eyes widened, and a feeling of nervousness creeped up on her; it was a text from “Nice Goth Guy”, she remembered she had saved Phantom Blot's number..and still hadn't changed his name on her phone. 

I want to see you again 

A mixture of emotions raced through her. Sure he had been kind to her, but he still kidnapped her and was the Phantom Blot himself. Lily still remembered Mickey’s warning of all the awful things he'd done. At the back of her mind, she wondered if he was planning something terrible for her. But she also felt that if he wanted to hurt her, he would've done so already. The man was a villain after all, a criminal mastermind, what did he have to hide?

She didn't know how to respond to his text, so said nothing back, and he didn't send another text either. The one message was enough.

As she lay in bed that night, Lily thought of him, and wondered how he was intending to find her again.

[boozeforblues]

A Lie Can Make Someone Happy For A Day, While Truth Hurts Forever

Flanked on either side by death and disrespect Fighting like hell to figure out the breadth of disconnect I lost my voice but never my words I'll thin my blood while you thin the herds Until I'm the last one standing but still not worthy A chip on my shoulder so now I'm good and surly Inching towards a question I'll ask in vain And like a wounded dog, I'll mask my pain The weight keeps adding up but I'll decrease the reps Same sick dance, I know all the steps Stepping on toes in an open act of defiance Waging a two-pronged war on religion and science Scorched earth becomes the only viable solution Bringing my unique brand of undeniable pollution To a once pristine environment, half drunk and semiustulated Mixing alcohol and fire like I've already capitulated To my darker nature, try not to act surprised A goodbye letter updated and revised

Gather round for a last ditch lesson about trife Twenty-two last week, teach me about life How all my legwork and research is moot My experience can't hold a candle to the boot That you've applied to my throat Gamesmanship at its worst, go to get my goat Lead by the neck and by example, a shining city on the hill Make promises on the fly, do it for the pity or the thrill The same reward awaits us all, it's death or dishonor Pick of the litter; brindle, fawn or Calico, licking our wounds all the same If anybody asks, I did it for the fame

Surrounded by scales, I walked right into the liar's den Told to sign on the dotted line but I don't have a buyer's pen Intentions can never live up to words, fuck a promissory note The most I can muster is an oratory quote Working towards a purpose, I swear I'll find my knack Fingers crossed, only this time behind my back That way we can truly be equals Clearing the debut cobwebs to make way for the sequels But lazier writing and a reliance on banality Will always make it harder to find commonality But of that I've had my fill, sick of being typecast A breakout role and a surefire way to make the hype last Collect the receipts and don't forget to price gouge The urge to take muddy shoes to a nice couch They say life imitates art but this shit is ridiculous Bringing it back to the receipts because my records are meticulous While yours are non-existent, we reap what we sow A grim reminder that you can never keep what you throw

Send me to the floor once more, a greatest hits compilation You're forgetful and I'm forgettable, the perfect combination…

[ghostofacrow]

We talk a lot about how it's dnds fault that there are so many more players then there are GMs, but I do also feel like the prevelance of digital tools and how much better they've gotten is contributing to that. Between actual plays and the modules that WotC or Paizo put out that all come with illustrations for every npc and glossy maps for every battle, I've seen it happened several times now that new GMs were worried about what map making tool to use or where to get character tokens from and I don't remember this being as big of a deal even 10 years ago when I got into the hobby.

Whenever I actually ask people if they need detailed maps, everyone tells me that yeah they're nice but a town map that's a bunch of black rectangles is fine. And that's obviously true and no player I know is going to complain about simple maps, but then I still see aspiring GMs worry about theirs, even people who I've played theater of the mind games with before. Particularly jarring experience I had today was with a friend who got into roleplaying through pf2e (who is generally good at and exited about it) being confused about how running a game without an adventure module works and. Man. This isn't a complaint about a specific person but this is a bit depressing, right? Especially when you remember that the only companies that can crank out books this consistently are WotC and Paizo.

Most of my ttrpgs are played online so I don't think playing in person is the only correct way but I do think making due with what you have on hand is liberating in many ways, because it cuts through that self-imposed perfectionism. The lazier you are about assets, the easier it becomes to improvise new ones. At least with Matt Mercer syndrome people realise that Critical Role is an impossible standard, but unique terrain maps for every area, even ones that don't even have combat in them, or finding unique art for every character is theoretically possible. I understand that making the best game you possibly can is aspirational but if stuff like this is holding you back from running a game or causing you to burn out on your campaign faster, I do recommend taking a step back and asking yourself if you would hold a GM to that standard if you were a player

[overandunderthehill]

Streaming the Life of Winnie Li

When I first came to DLSU (online, that is) one of my block mates had organized a Discord server where we could meet each other, as it was still the height of the pandemic and classes were done online. After introducing ourselves to one another, another girl joined the call. She, I, and one other student were the only girls in the server so I instantly wanted to talk to her. Eventually I got to get to know and work with this girl more when face to face classes started and she has become one of my closest friends in university. 

December 20, 2021 (Winnie on the bottom left and me on the upper left)

Born on September 6, 2003, Winnie Angelica Li came to De La Salle University in 2021. At 20 years old, she is taking a double degree for Communication Arts and Entrepreneurship. Despite taking two courses, her academic life and personal life are well balanced.

Winnie enjoys playing video games such as Minecraft, Sims 4, Fortnite, Valorant, Solasta, and Gerna Undawn. Being in a similar environment, her other hobbies include analyzing the the Valiant e-sports scene.

Among her favorites, Project Zombie and The Sims 4 are her go-to comfort games. As for the ones she plays competitively, Valorant is her favorite. She also hopes that streaming will be in her future and dreams as well.

Outside of her PC, Winnie doesn’t travel much but loves going to the beach once in a while since she used to live in Batangas. She’d love to go to Japan one day with her boyfriend, Neil, as he wants to go and she feels like it has so much cultural experiences that she would find interesting. 

Winnie and Her Boyfriend Neil

I wanted to ask Winnie a different type of question, so I asked her if she ever had a near death experience. She did, in fact, have a specific one and answered right away! 

“I was driving a motorcycle without a helmet and license, with someone as my passenger too, and I crashed into a tricycle. The tricycle had 4 people on it including the driver.” 

That takes guts. 

Then I proceeded to ask whether she had a “Main Character” moment in her life. She thought about it and said that it was probably the time when she and her team won in a Nation Business Convention for their business proposal plan.

To conclude it, I asked whether she felt like she changed from the pandemic or not. Winnie responded saying that the isolation really changed her, as she feel like she became more introverted in a way and lazier since it was just two years of her sitting down and playing games.

Winnie Li is truly one of the best people you can meet both as a friend and a classmates, and I'm glad to have met her and got to know her better. We have gotten close ever since working and seeing each other face to face and I truly hope that she is a friend that I have for life.

[funkymbtifiction]

Which enneatypes are more likely to drop a new hobby after not doing it perfectly for the first time? And which types have an attitude of "if I failed, I just need to try harder"? Somewhat inspired by the talk about "burnt out gifted children" in the past few years.

I don't know if this is tied to a specific Enneagram type or not, but those who have an attitude of failure > means trying harder are 3s.

Frankly, I don't understand how people expect to be immediately good at something they never attempted before.

Unfortunately, this is the result of our overly-coddling culture, which rewards "participation" rather than "success." Kids go to school and compete in a basketball game and lose, but still get a trophy because we don't want anyone to feel bad about their loss. But what happens instead is that without a motivating factor for success (a trophy, and the pleasure of winning / beating someone else), there's no reason for anyone to bother striving for victory. Reports have shown that this makes the lazy kids even lazier, and the kids who would have worked hard to get that award or grade or trophy decide "why bother, if I do all this work and Timmy gets the same thing that I do?" Instead of building confidence, this creates a culture of people who expect great gains and victories without doing any hard work. They have not learned that good results come from effort.

Someone asked me the other day, in amazement, how I became such an excellent book editor. Well, I've been working hard at it and practicing it for TWENTY YEARS. I've put in my 10,000 hours (the minimum required to be an expert at something). And they weren't 10,000 hours of complacency, but IMPROVING hours of studying, implementing, identifying weak spots, and striving to get better at it. I feel grateful to my parents for never letting things be easy for me, and for never giving me pity trophies. I know that something better than good comes from me doing a ton of hard work.

They say that 3s are reluctant to try anything they might fail at, and there is some truth to that. But they would outright refuse to try it if they thought there was a chance of humiliation, as opposed to half-assing it and then being shocked when they didn't win (unless they are just arrogant enough to think themselves smarter and more talented than everyone participating, which is also plausible, lol).

I dislike failure myself (I don't think anyone likes to fail, after all) but it teaches you valuable lessons and gives you experience, now you not only know how to do something right but also how not to do it. Also, I am a firm believer that even if you have some "talent" (like, having a perfect pitch for studying music and things like that), if you don't exercise it, you will fall flat behind people who are "untalented" but hard-working. I understand if you just want to wing something (I do that myself a lot) but what I don't understand is people who wing stuff and then complain about their work/performance not being perfect, 10 out of 10, golden medal worthy. It really is either one or the other - you either wing it and hope for something turning out good or you try hard for your perfect result. Of course, you could wing it and get the best result, but it's not exactly reliable, isn't it? 

This is 100% correct but it's hard for people to understand. A middling artist who shows up and does the work, gets contacts in the art world, and is consistent in their product is going to make as much or more money and obtain higher notoriety than a genius artist who does not "work." High Te users get this, but others often don't -- it's less about talent and more about showing up and doing the work. Who is going to sell more books, the author who steadily turns out books, or the sporadic genius who never finishes anything? Who is going to become a better author, the one with the practice of 67 titles under their belt, or the one who struggles to complete a first draft?

The irony is, nobody believes in pity trophies. Not really. Deep down, we all know someone has to win and we want it to be us.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my tritype is 731... Maybe double competency with 7's positivity allow me to take a more sober and somewhat positive look on the concept of failing? It's neither good nor bad (albeit disappointing), it's just a part of life that you have to inevitably deal with. 

Sounds like 3 and 1 are grounding you as a 7 and making you willing and determine to put in the hard work involved in doing a good job. But I do think it's particularly 3-ish to look at a failure as a chance to learn how to improve yourself next time...

[mehrto]

Of Interrupted Drag Shows and Failed Duck Walks

Anthony J. Crowley, a Mancunian drag queen, voguing pro, knitting amateur, and mother at the House of Gaia shares a tired cigarette with a hungry, snobby tailor whose shop is only just off Savile Row, thank you, one rainy night in Soho in 2008. They run into each other over and over again until they can't help but become friends and soft and each other's most significant other and a whole load of other things too, really.

About belonging and acceptance and figuring out how to make things work at a place in your life you never really thought you'd be at.

Featuring art by @mehrto, fic by @thyra279, and a whole load of softness and snippiness.

Rated E, first chapter coming on the 30th January!

Excerpt below the line:

"Hullo, Aziraphale." Crowley's long fingers trembled as they lit a cigarette, gave away the adrenaline still coursing through his body. He stepped up to the railing at the top of the half-stairs, leant over it almost casually with the first smoky exhale. The exhaustion set in as soon as he relaxed, ageing muscles finally allowing themselves to feel the strain.

He didn't let them for long, shifting his weight from one heeled boot to the other, settling one foot between two of the balusters. If it caused one of his long legs to peek out of the dress directly at Aziraphale, well. He was an old hand at this.

The bastard barely gave his leg a glance, looking up at Crowley’s face instead with that stupidly soft smile that always seemed so entirely, beautifully out of place in the thumping base and harsh lights of the club.

"You look wonderful tonight, my dear."

He forced himself to take a luxuriously deep inhale, exhaled just as slowly. Settled into his deeper, lazier off-duty voice. "See now, angel, you're saying that as if it's not an everyday occurrence."

A bead of sweat that made its way from his hairline down his cheekbone, clinging on for dear life at his chin for a moment before giving up, dropping on to the floor between them.

If it had fucked up his makeup, his perfectly pristine skin, he would bloody kill it.

Aziraphale merely smiled, taking the first step up towards him.

The bundle of roses crinkled in their paper wrapping behind Aziraphale's back as he did - they'd have given the game away if it wasn't blatantly obvious they were there, if it wasn't the hundredth time he'd brought him some. Red roses today, Crowley noticed with surprise, taking another drag.

"You were very good out there tonight. 'Fierce', I believe one might say?"

Crowley cracked a smile, couldn't help himself. "Sure. One might."

A cloud of nearly-white curls bounced gently as he nodded at his leg, now fully out in the open. Good. Half his arse was out on display at this point.

"How's your knee holding up, my dear?"

"Oh fuck right off. M'knee's fine."

Crowley hated the concern so obvious in the lines of Aziraphale's forehead, felt a mad urge to dab them away, drown them out with a good glue and plenty of foundation. Annoy him until he lost that soft, gentle hum in his voice, until the camp, harsh bastard emerged.

Of course, he had no such luck.

"Perhaps if you were to include fewer of those – those bouncy things… are they dog walks?"

Crowley blinked at him, sniffed. "Ducks."

"Duck walks. They can't be good for your poor knee."

A shrug. "They're integral, though."

Aziraphale ascended the rest of the stairs in his urgency, flowers hopping along down his side. "But you could include more of the other elements to make up for it? More hands might be very elegant, and you are so very good at those, so expressive."

"I can't just do hands, angel, 's not my style."

Aziraphale settled right beside him, gripping the railing tight. "Anthony, you must take care of yourself, we both know you aren't twenty anymore, it's been near-on thirty years since-"

"Alright alright, why don't you shout it a little louder Aziraphale, there's a guy in the basement loo getting blown who might not've heard you," he hissed.

He put his weight back on his dodgy leg to prove a point, sneering at him – and couldn't help but wince.

Aziraphale sighed beside him. "I'm only looking out for you."

Crowley softened. "I know. I do. I know. My guardian angel, always kindness itself." He gave his angel a little shove. Aziraphale stood quite firm, unsurprisingly, gave him a withering look from the step below that any old drag queen would've been proud of.

Aziraphale's beautifully intelligent eyes grew playful little by little, looking up at him.

"I brought you flowers."

"Oh, those for me?"

"Obviously."

"Red roses, Aziraphale," he muttered in a low voice, sidling just a little closer, not quite touching. "Trying to tell me something?"

The softly curl-crowned head looked straight ahead again. Crowley watched curiously as a blush crept from his curls all the way to his unusual, handsome, slightly arrogant nose.

"…Yes." He glanced at him quickly, couldn't help but smile at his expression. "I thought perhaps, if your knee is very bad this evening…" There was a maddening trill to his voice, low and intimate too. "I might carry you to your office upstairs. Take care of you…" he trailed.

Crowley managed nothing more than to close his mouth before his dramatic lips fell open again.

"Perhaps," he continued, sotto voce, brushing up Crowley’s hot, sweaty leg with his skilled tailor's fingers, "I could show you all the wonderful things one might do with one's hands?"

[hypocrisyofandrewdobson]

Dobson's Patreon: An Addendum to His Monument of Sins

(The following is a submission from @soyouareandrewdobson, meant to be an addendum to the multi-post submission @ripsinfest made a while back. Ironically, this one also had issues when being submitted, so I’ll be copypasting it here with all the images and links originally intended.)

In 2018, user @ripsinfest wrote a multipart series of posts for THOAD, recounting Dobson’s attempt to establish a patreon in 2015 and how it resulted in failure on a massive scale, to the point that his patreon is arguably “a monument to all his sins”.

Personally I think the post series is extremely well researched, rather “neutral” in terms of tone (letting the posts provided as evidence speak more for themselves than the opinion of the writer) and gives a detailed but quick rundown on what went wrong. Primarily that Dobson overestimated his own “value” as an artist and did NOT attempt to give his few supporters what they wanted through his artwork posted around the time.

I do however want to use the opportunity to also point out at certain obvious things that in my opinion (and likely the opinions of others) added to the failure of the patreon account, that were not accounted for in detail and are primarily related to how the internet perceives popularity and Dobson’s inability to understand, how to “sell” and make himself look good to the public.

To begin with, let’s just point out a certain truth about making money via Patreon: To do so, depends a lot on your popularity as a content creator online. That is simply because the more popular you are, the bigger your fanbase is and as such the more likely a certain percentage of people may be willing to donate money to you and your work in hopes they get something out of it, even if it is just the altruistic feeling of having helped someone they “like”. It doesn’t take a genius to see, how e.g. internet reviewers such as Linkara or moviebob (around 2800 and 4400$ earnings via patreon each month respectively) can make quite some money, while other, more obscure content creator or artists barely make money to go by, earning essentially pocket money at best.

In addition, popularity is fleeting. A few years ago e.g. internet personality Noah Antweiler aka The SpoonyOne managed to earn 5000$ a month via patreon, just shortly after establishing his account. But his lack of content over the years AND his toxic behavior online resulted in a decline of popularity and with it people jumping off his Patreon. As such, Antweiler only earns nowadays around 290$ a month via Patreon and most of that money is likely form people who have forgotten they donate to him in the first place anyway.

And Noah is not the only one who over the course of the last couple of years lost earnings. Brianna Wu makes barely more than he does, despite having once been the “darling” of the internet when the Gamergate controversy was at its peak. Many Bronies who once made more than 2k via video reviews on a show about little horses at the peak of its popularity (2013-15) earn less than 300-800 on average nowadays because interest on the show as well as people talking about it has declined.

Heck, in preparation of writing this piece I found out, that one of the highest grossing patreons nowadays is “The last podcast on the left”, a podcast that earns more than 67k a month by making recordings on obscure and macabre subjects on a regular basis.

So there you have it folks: As the interests of the internet users change, so does the popularity of certain people online and -in case they have a patreon account or similar plattforms- their chances of making money via their content.

Which now brings us back to Dobson, who was not popular at all at that particular time and managed to become even less popular as the months and years passed by.

Sure, Dobson had his fans via deviantart, people knew who he was. But the later was more because of “infamy” than popularity and the number of fans he had accumulated online were representing people interested in him at least since 2005 and did not quite represent his actual present day numbers of supporters at the time.

And mind you, the number of supporters was less than 100k, most of them likely underaged deviantart users. And if my research indicates something, then that most content creators with a halfway decent patreon earning need at least 100k+ followers in total. Because of those fans, only around 1-3% will on average then spend money on you, if you actually create content they enjoy and on a regular basis.

Which brings up the next major problem: Dobson did not create content people enjoyed and that in more than one meaning of the word.

On one hand, as pointed out by ripsinfest, he barely released any content at all over 2015 after a few initial months, despite the fact that he was obviously active online a lot, as shown by his presence on twitter. On the other hand, the few things he did create were not the stuff people wanted.

As an example: If you go to a restaurant and pay for a pizza, you expect the cook to give you a pizza. If however for some reason he just gives you a soda, you get ripped off and never come back. In Dobson’s case, the thing people wanted was not pizza but comic pages. But what he delivered was mostly bland fanart, such as of Disney and Marvel characters crossing over or KorraSami. Sure, a few strips of “So…you are a cartoonist” were still released at the time, but not really many.

To give an overview: Taking the release dates on Dobson’s official SYAC site into account, he released around 16 strips of it between March and August of 2015, the last two being “No Leia” being titled “Zip line”

Afterwards, the next official strip released was “Anything at all” in October of 2016.

Now to be fair, there was at least one more strip at the time Dobson released via patreon, that is also save to see on kiwifarms and other plattforms, which has not been uploaded to his official SYAC page. Likely because he simply forgot about it.

But I think that in itself should tell you something about Dobson’s work ethics when it comes to his webcomics. He promoted his patreon in his own video as a way to ensure he can make comics in a timely fashion again for others to enjoy, but in an environment where certain artists are capable to create multiple strips per week at minimum, Dobson could overall not manage to produce more than 16 over a course of six months, which means an average production of 3 strips per month.

For comparison, Tatsuya Ishida of the infamous sinfest webcomic (a garbage fire of epic proportions from a TERF who I think should be put on a watch list) has produced on average 4 strips per week, including full page Sunday strips, for years and nowadays even releases stuff on a daily basis to pass the covid crisis. So a mad man who wants to see trnas people die, has better work ethics than Dobson.

In other words, people expected Dobson to actually get back into creating comics (with some even expecting a return of Alex ze Pirate), but he got in fact even lazier than before, releasing only SYAC strips and random fanart as a product. Which he then also tried to justify as his choice to make because a) he had mental health issues and b) no one can tell him what to do.

And sure, people do not need to tell you what to do. But when people pay/donate money to you expecting to get a certain product in return, they should get the product. Linkara e.g. by all means doesn’t NEED to review comics to have a fullfilling life, but he got famous for his reviews, people want to see his reviews and they pay him for those reviews. So obviously, he will continue those things.

Then there is also the fact that despite Dobson’s claims how he wants to create comics for everone to enjoy and that he aims to keep his artwork online for free so anyone can view it…(his exact words in his promotional video AND text on his patreon once upon a time)

…the reality was, that he wanted to use patreon as a paywall. Something I actually kinda pointed out at on my own account (shameless self promotion) once, but want now to elaborate a bit. Basically at the time Dobson opened up his patreon, he also was on the verge of leaving deviantart as a platform people could look at his work behind. Which he eventually did.

Meaning that the only major platforms for people to watch any “new” stuff by him were his patreon or art sites such as the SYAC homepage or andysartwork. Which granted, he did EVENTUALLY put his stuff on.

But unlike other content creators who would put “patreon exclusive” new content up on more public plattforms often within a few days, weeks or a month after making them “patreon only” at first, Dobson waited longer and did barely anything to promote his sites as places to look his stuff up for a public audience. In doing so creating a “bubble” for himself that hurt him more than it helped, as Dobson made himself essentially come off as a snob.

A snob who did not create content for everybody to enjoy, but ONLY for those willing to pay him at least one dollar per month. As evident e.g. by the fact that as time went by, certain content was never released outside of his patreon at all, such as a SYAC strip involving Dobbear screaming at the computer because he saw a piece of art that featured tumblr nose.

Lastly, there is the issue of his patreon perks and stretch goals.

See, his perks were essentially non existent. Aside of the beggars reward of “my eternal thank you if you donate 1 dollar”, two other perks that come to my mind were the following: If you donated up to 5$ at minimum, you got your name thrown into a lottery to potentially win buttons and postcards of his artwork. Unsold cheap merch from years prior he failed to sell at conventions basically. There was just a problem with that thing: That lottery thing, which he also was only going to initiate when he reached a stretch goal of 150 dollar a month? It was illegal!

Patreon itself has in their user agreement a rule that forbids people from offering perks that essentially boil down to “earning” something via gambling, which this lottery by Dobson was.

(THOAD chiming in here to add that, in addition to all this, he fully admitted he would be excluding Patrons that he “knew were clearly trolls” from the lottery. Which made the already illegal lottery also fixed, so...yeah.)

The next thing coming to mind was his “discount” on previous books of his he offered online, if you donated at least 10 bucks per month to him. Or to translate it: You would get a bare minimum discount at pdf files of books such as Alex ze Pirate and Formera (you know, the permanently cancelled Dobson comics) if you paid up 50-75% of their original price on Patreon already. And considering the quality of his early works, he should have given you at least a book per month for free if you dared to donate him that much.

As for the stretch goals… lets go through them, shall we:

100$: A wallpaper per month. Something he did provide with eventually, but barely. And after less than five of those he stopped to make them overall

150$: Monthly Gift basket Lottery, which as I stated, was illegal and almost got him into serious trouble with his account. Also not an initial stretch goal he made up but instead came up with a few months into his accounts existence. Finally it got temporarily replaced by Dobson playing with the idea to use 150$ per month to open up a server and art site where people could upload stuff for free similar to deviantart, but under his administration. Promising a “safe space” for other artists. Which considering Dobson’s ego and inability to accept criticism or delegate responsibilities would have likely ended like this:

175$: Establishing a Minecraft server for him and his fans to play on. Meaning Dobson would have just wasted time he could spend on creating comics to endulge in his Minecraft obsession.

200$: Writing a Skyrim children book. Aside of the legal nightmare that this could have been (I doubt Valve would have been happy of someone else profiting of their property) I have to ask, who was even interested in Skyrim by 2015 anymore? Sure, Skyrim was a popular game and it had its qualities, but it was also a trend that had passed by that time. So in other words, there was not a market to cater towards here.

300$: A strip per week guaranteed.

… are you fucking kidding me? 75$ per strip essentially? Something people expect you to produce anyway if you want to be considered a “prolific” creator worth supporting online? Imagine if certain internet reviewers would do that, telling you that if they do not earn at least a certain amount of money, they will not produce anything, period, or less than usual. And Dobson had already proven that he can release more than just one comic within a few days, if he is motivated by enough spite.

600$: Starting a podcast with his friends to talk about nerd culture. In my opinion could only work under the assumption that people even like the idea of listening to Dobson and his opinions. Which considering how very little people like talking to him sounds doubtful. Also, considering how Dobson tends to be late to the party when it comes to nerd culture, likely tending to be out of date faster than he could upload. Finally... what friends?

700$: Returning the love, as he says it, by donating some of the money patreon users gave him to other content creators. This in my opinion is the most self defeating cause possible. On one hand sure, being generous and all that. But essentially Dobson admits here he would blow the money people give him to support HIS art on others, essentially defeating the purpose of HIS own account. He also does not clarify how much of that money he would donate, meaning there was a high chance that he would spend less than 10% of it on other creators, only creating the illusion of support while putting the actual earnings/donations into his own pocket.

2000$: A massive jump ahead. 2000$ per month would result in him getting better equipment (as in a new computer e.g.) and as such “potentially” make more comics. Mind you, only potentially.

This goal in my opinion is also the most fucked up one. Primarily for the following reasons:

Lets say Dobson would have achieved the goal and actually earned over 2000$ per month for at least a year. His annual earning would have been 24k, minus whatever he had to pay as taxes and payment for using the patreon service. And what would he do with this money? Get himself a better computer and equipment by paying a minor fraction of it once. Then he could use that computer for years to come while still having over 10k in his account, plus his monthly earnings. And he may still just produce 3-4 comics a month of a series that has as much depth to it than Peppa Pig if not less.

Sure, many patreon users have 2k+ as a stretch goal on their accounts to signify that if they could make that much monthly, they could have the necessary financial security to focus their time primarily on their content instead of a regular job. And if the content they create is actually well made, many people would support that or be okay with it.

But 2000 dollars to buy ONE computer and not account for how this money will add up over time? And that in light of such profits people may actually expect you to create more than you barely do already? That is either a case of narcissism, plain stupidity because you can't look further than 5 feet or just shows how Dobson did not understand at all the tool he had at his disposal.

Bottom line: Dobson, like many times before, fucked it up. He overestimated the potential support and resulting profits he could make, he expected that his name alone would be enough to assure gainings instead of creating content to justify support and he was unwilling to really give his supporters anything worthwhile back.

And while I am sure that there were also many other factors guaranteeing his failure, those at least to me, were his "common" mistakes most other people familiar even with the basics of internet popularity would ahve avoided.

[maxcarbaugh]

1.) Selfies, or the awkward pictures that you take of yourself on the phone, are a relatively new advancement in human society. Although self-portraits have been around for quite some time now, the smart phone has made it easier to capture pictures of yourself just by clicking a button. In recent years, selfies have been getting a lot of attention because of how bizarre the process actually is. While it might be considered normal in today’s society, one can’t help but be weirded out by the fact that you can find thousands of pictures of different people on a variety of social media websites. Although they could serve as a method of communication, or even as a way of expressing yourself from a different perspective, selfies do seem like they are becoming an imminent threat to human society. Based off of my own experiences, selfies seem like they could affect you both socially and emotionally.

My relationship with selfies has not really changed over the last decade of my life. In my opinion, the selfie does more harm than it does good. This is because of my own experiences growing up in a world dominated by social media and smartphones. In my free time, I often like to scroll through pictures online, where I am readily exposed to a variety of different selfies of people from around the globe. Although it serves as a way to kill time, it is also serves as a way of losing confidence in yourself, because most of the time you are exposed to pictures of celebrities or even models. The problem with this, is that many of these selfies depict people who are seemingly flawless, and it makes you think more about your own actual appearance. Seeing this, it is easy to lose confidence in yourself, and it even begins effecting your social life outside of social media. However, I came to realize that many of these pictures you are exposed to are actually heavily edited with filters to make your appearance seem more flawless. It is important to understand that the selfie should not dictate how you choose to live your life. At the end of the day, I realized that no one is perfect, and I should not let other people’s selfies impact my own.

2.) Jerry Saltz, an art critic for New York Magazine referred to Parmigianino’s painting as the first selfie in a 2014 article. This is because he believed that the selfie included all of the necessary components that a typical selfie should contain. Saltz made it apparent that the selfie contained attributes like; a bizarre angle, an elongated arm, foreshortening, compositional distortion, and close-in intimacy. However, from this self-portrait of Parmigianino in a Convex Mirror, it was clear that the selfie has seen some serious revisions over the years. The 16th century self-portrait, in my opinion, is nothing like the typical selfie we see today on social media. This is because we are living in an age where technology is continuing to improve, and it is becoming easier to take a picture of yourself. Over the years, it is apparent that the selfie has been evolving, and people are becoming lazier while taking a picture of themselves.

As previously discussed, the selfie has seen some serious changes, especially in the last decade of my life. While living in a digital age, it is easy to notice these changes because there are multiple social media platforms in which you can explore all different types of selfies. In my opinion, the selfie has transformed into a picture that only depicts your face, but the bizarre angle and elongated arms are still subtly present. This is because smart phones make it far easier to take a picture of yourself, opposed to painting an image of yourself that is represented on a Convex Mirror. That is why, in my opinion, the selfie angle of the current moment is whatever you want it to be. I think that people are becoming lazier because the process has become increasingly easier, and the cameras are so powerful, that they are taking pictures of themselves however they want.

3.) Over the years, advancements made towards technology have greatly impacted the lives of millions of people around the world. For instance, smart phones are constantly being improved each year, with the help of some serious revisions towards the camera quality. One of the ways companies work to keep your fascination with phones, is offering an abundance of filters that change your appearance after taking a picture. Although these image altering filters have been around for quite some time now, I do not think have reached a plateau. This is because companies will continue to produce more filters that will change your appearance in different ways, and it will keep the consumer more engaged. As an avid user of Instagram, a popular social media website, I can see this exact tactic being put to use. Meaning, every time I go on Instagram it seems like there is a new filter that everyone seems to fall in love with.

As previously stated, technology is only going to get progressively better as time goes on, so I do not see these filters becoming a thing of the past anytime soon. However, I do see that these filters could become problematic because of the false image they project back to you. In my opinion, I am not really a big fan of these filters because they make someone look like they have no flaws, which could hurt the confidence of another person. Although I do not see them going extinct in the near future, I would like to see more people branching away from filters and taking more natural pictures of themselves.

[sunshinejihyun]

The Shape of Love || Jihyun Kim

Summary: A date night turns into discovering how deep their love runs for the first time

Word Count: 2.8K

Masterlist

After Jihyun Kim had come back from his self healing journey and had confessed his feelings to you, he thought your relationship would be smooth sailing from that moment on. Little did he know, he would become a nervous, stuttering mess every time your hands so much as grazed his own and his whole neck would flush red when he caught you staring at him with admiration.

So this is what it was like to be loved unconditionally. It was a nice feeling, it kept him warm on the coldest nights, but it wasn’t something he was used to. To better acclimate to the feeling of a new relationship, after some time you and he had decided that you would have a date night once a week. You both would each switch back and forth on who planned it and the whole goal was to just spend time with each other outside of the RFA messenger app and hiding from Mint Eye.

It was a good idea too, Jihyun had learned so much about you just from the places you took him and he only hoped his soul was being displayed for you as brightly as yours was for him.  On your fourth official date, Jihyun decided he wanted to take you somewhere special to him, somewhere where you could create art together. What better way to explore each others souls than to create something beautiful and straight from the heart together?

“Jihyun, won’t you please tell me where you’re taking me?” you giggled and Jihyun felt his stomach do a flip at that sound. That sound: one of his favorite things in the world. Something that he wished he could paint so that he could never forget it. It was a sound that made him forget where he was and just made him stop to listen in amazement at one of the things about that brought a feeling of serenity.

“It’s a surprise, patience.” Jihyun hummed softly, grazing your hand with his own before pulling away, not before flushing red across his nose. “We’ll be there soon.”

You and Jihyun were walking side by side on a sidewalk in the city. It was a warm summer night and you held a light coverup in one hand, leaving the other closest to Jihyun swinging freely in hopes that he might envelope it with his own. He didn’t, he never did, which is fine. You knew he loved you and that he just needed time to get used to being in a relationship again. You wouldn’t push him, being patient would give you more of a reward in the long run. Not that you needed a reward, just even being in Jihyun’s presence was more than enough for you.

“Then can you at least give me a hint as to what we’re doing.” You pleaded and this time you hesitantly wrapped your free arm around his closest to you. You felt him shudder underneath you before gently pulling away and sending you a kind smile. “Sorry.”

“We’re going to get a little messy today. I hope you don’t mind, I brought you an extra tee shirt of mine so your dress wouldn’t get ruined.” Jihyun’s clear eyes sought out your own and your heartbeat sped up just with your eyes meeting.

“I don’t mind, thank you darling.” Jihyun’s gait slowed and you followed with him, standing outside of a darkened building. “What’s this?”

“Our date location.” He sent you a cheeky wink before pulling out a key from a chain under his shirt. “I hope you like pottery.”

As he opened the door and ushered you in, your senses were bombarded with the smell of wet clay and you glanced at Jihyun hesitantly. “I can’t say I’ve ever tried, to be quite honest.”

Your lover sent you a soft smile and quietly handed you the extra tee he had promised you. “That’s alright, love. I can show you.” As he turned on the lights, you noticed the way Jihyun walked around with a sense of familiarity and fondness. “I’ve been coming here for a few weeks now. I’m no expert, but I do think I’ve got the hang of it.” You watched as he sat down in front of a pottery wheel with a clump of wet clay in front of him. “Want to come over here and we can work on something together?”

You silently padded your way over to him and sat down behind him on the bench, your head straining to see anything above his shoulders. Jihyun chuckled and adjusted himself so you both were sitting thigh to thigh, one of his arms wrapped around your waist and that same hand connected with your own as he started guiding you in kneading out all the bubbles in the clay.

You relished in the feeling of his bare thigh pressing against your own, of his arm around your waist and the way his lithe fingers guided yours gently, but also in a way that exuded strength. Jihyun’s hands were something of a sculpture to you; his fingers were long and gentle and the way that he held everything with such grace was something that you wished you could display like a painting.

“Here darling, like this.” Jihyun’s hands covered your own completely and guided you to press out the last of the bubbles with more intensity than before.

Feeling his eyes watching you, you turned your face up to Jihyun’s and your nose brushed against his softly. “Hi,” you breathed out, afraid to move in case you startled him.

“Hi,” he whispered back before moving his hand from yours to push back a piece of loose hair that had fallen out of place behind your ear. “You’re beautiful.”

Your face flushed and you broke eye contact with the boy you loved. “Jihyun,”

Jihyun gently grabbed your chin, smearing it with clay, and he forced your eyes to meet his again. “Don’t,” his soft voice came out firm and your mouth opened slightly in shock. “You’re beautiful. Please allow me to tell you that.”

“You’re beautiful too, Jihyun.” You whispered back, taking your free hand and resting it against his cheek. “Your soul shines so brightly.” Leaning into your hand and not caring about the clay getting all over his face, Jihyun closed his eyes peacefully and as you moved your other hand to his other cheek, you inched your way closer to him, close enough that you could feel his breath on your lips. “Is this okay?”

Jihyun closed the small gap between you two hesitantly and you sucked in a sharp breath as his lips met yours sweetly. As your heartbeat started picking up, so did the intensity of the kiss. Jihyun’s tongue swiped softly over your lip before you opened your mouth to meet his tongue with your own and his hands moved into your hair, holding your head with such tenderness that you didn’t want to move, even if you could. A soft moan escaped from Jihyun’s mouth as you gently nipped at his bottom lip before soothing it over with your tongue and pulling away.

“I am so in love with you.” Jihyun’s words brought blood rushing to your ears and you rested your forehead against his, your noses brushing with every breath you both took.

“I’m in love with you too, Jihyun.” He pressed another light kiss to the corner of your mouth before pulling away slightly.

Taking one look at you, Jihyun started to laugh and once you took a look at him, you started to laugh as well. The pair of you continued to laugh until there were tears streaming down your faces and you were doubled over and leaning on each other for support. “We look ridiculous.” Jihyun smoothed his hand over your hair, frowning at the clay matted in it. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” you smiled, lacing your fingers together with his own. “This has been our best date yet.” Jihyun repositioned himself behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, his hands on top of your own. “So, artist Kim Jihyun, what are we molding today?”

As his foot gently pressed down on the pedal that spun the wheel, he guided you hands to start a bowl shape. “How about a flower vase?”  You hummed in agreement and he continued. “It’s something we can use on our kitchen table.”

“Good idea, darling.” You murmured, looking over your shoulder and studying your lover's face as his brow furrowed in concentration. “Next week you and I will have to go flower picking for flowers to go in the vase.”

“I would like that. Maybe you’d let me paint you laying in the flowers?” Jihyun’s hands stilled for a moment for him to look at you and you smiled softly before nodding your head and kissing his cheek. The rest of the time spent shaping the vase was in a calm quiet, both of you relishing in the comfort of being around the other. “We will have to wait for the shop owner to come in tomorrow to put it in the kiln and then we can choose to leave it blank or we can paint it.”

“What will give me another date quicker?” You asked as you ran your joint hands under hot water, you and Jihyun both taking turns scrubbing the clay out from under your nailbeds.

“If it would make you happy, we could go on a date every day.” Jihyun answered as he watched you pull off his tee shirt you had previously put on over your dress and a blush covered his cheeks when more of your thighs started to get exposed as your dress rose up from the action. “Let me help.”

You couldn’t help but notice as his gaze lingered on your bare chest that was flushed red with the feeling of Jihyun being so close to you. “Thank you.”

Jihyun bent down and stole another quick kiss from you, causing both of you to giggle. “Thank you, for this wonderful date. Now, what do you say we head back to my place and open a bottle of wine?” Jihyun held his arm out for you to wrap your free one around, much like you tried to do earlier and you smiled at him before doing so, comfortably easing your way into his side as he led you to his home. “If you would like, you can take a shower to get the clay out of your hair. I can give you one of my shirts and some pants to wear home, I’d hate for you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’d like that, thank you Jihyun.” You stole a quick glance at the man to find him already watching you, a soft smile painting his lips and as you opened your mouth to speak again, he covered your lips with his own.

This was a sweeter, a lazier kiss than the one you both shared earlier but nonetheless, it still left you breathless and wanting more. That was a common theme in your relationship with Jihyun: you always selfishly wanted more. More time spent in his presence, more stolen glances and brushes of your hands against one another. There was something just so intoxicating about being around him.

“Go on then, you know where the bathroom is. I will set some clothes for you to wear on my bed and then cue up a movie to watch.” Jihyun reluctantly released you from his grasp and you felt his eyes trail you the entire time you walked to the bathroom.

Humming to yourself, you turned on the warm water and stepped into the shower, taking comfort in the smell that could only be described as Jihyun. Sweet and spicy with a small hint of paint that always constantly lingered on his skin and after you dried off and dressed yourself in some light blue silk pajama pants and one of his signature black tees that he laid out for you, you met him in the living room.

“You look comfortable.” He noted, handing you a glass of wine and you took it from him, settling down on the couch next to him. “I hope you don’t mind that I put this movie on.” You glanced at the screen and was met with Zen’s face, contorted in something you could only hope was anguish. You raised your eyebrows at Jihyun, an amused smile playing on your lips. “It’s actually good if you watch it.”

“Sure,” you agreed, leaning your head on his shoulder and Jihyun sighed contentedly as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders. “Don’t you want to take a shower too?”

Jihyun ruffled his damp hair and you shrieked as some water droplets covered your face. “Already ahead of you.” Before you could respond, Jihyun repositioned himself to where he was sitting facing you, his nose touching yours. “Would you mind if I tried something?”

You silently nodded your head, your breath caught in your throat and Jihyun brought his hands up to your face, lightly running his fingertips over your forehead, eyelids, down your nose and tracing your lips, almost like he was trying to memorize every single curve of your face. You shuddered under his touch as his fingers traced down your neck and dipped into your shirt, gently covering your collarbones with soft touches. As his hands reached your face again, Jihyun covered your lips with his own and you let out a soft sigh. His hands roaming over your shoulders and down to your hips, brushing the bare skin underneath the loose tee shirt you were wearing was a distant memory as his lips followed the curve of your neck. Your hands that were previously by your side had woven their way into his hair and you urged him to continue with his slew of kisses.

As his kisses turned more passionate, his hands wandered under your shirt, gently brushing your stomach with his knuckles and you did the same, your hands slipping under the unbuttoned part of his shirt and his chest quivered under your touch as he explored more of your bare skin. Pulling away from your exposed collarbones, Jihyun looked at you with his eyes wide, chest heaving up and down. He held you close for a moment, both of you opting to stay quiet and sip on your wine. After a beat of silence, Jihyun opened his mouth to speak. “Thank you for being patient with me.”

“Jihyun, loving you is a great blessing,” you admitted, brushing back a strand of his hair that had fallen into his eyes. “You have nothing to thank me for, I’m willing to wait for you as long as you need, you know that.”

“I’m tired of having you wait.” Jihyun cupped your face in one hand and rubbed gentle circles on your cheek. “I’m tired of waiting. I waited two years to see you again, I can’t stand not being without you for one moment more.”

You pressed a kiss to his palm, covering your hand with his own. “Then don’t,” you replied softly. “Be with me, let me be yours. I love you, Jihyun.”

“I love you, MC.” Jihyun replied, kissing you once more. “I cannot wait until our next date night.”

“Flower picking will be lovely,” you hummed, settling in so your back was against his solid chest, Jihyun wrapping one arm around your waist, the other bringing the wine glass back up to his lips. “Shall we restart Zen’s movie so we can tell him we saw it?”

Jihyun brushed a kiss against your temple and your senses were filled with him. “If that’s what you’d like to do, darling. I’m happy just sitting and holding you like this all night.”

You laughed and turned to press a kiss against his adams apple. “Or we could do that,” you agreed, turning off the TV and starting in on mindless chatter with Jihyun.

After that night, Jihyun and your relationship was smooth sailing. You two were drawn to each other like a moth to a flame and you would have it no other way. To anyone else, waiting for someone for two years was a something of a nightmare, especially when you weren’t sure they would come back to you. But to you, the wait was worth it; you would wait a million more years just to be able to love Jihyun Kim for even a moment.

Every time you passed by your kitchen table in your house you shared with Jihyun, you stopped to adjust the flowers in the lopsided vase that you and he had sculpted that night many years ago. It was a reminder of the night you molded your two souls together, never looking back at any regrets of the past after that moment.